I’ve got a few things to say, and they might not be pretty. But they will be honest, because this place is nothing if not honest.
I’ve been writing this post for two weeks. It’s been really long, and then edited down to be really short. And then scrapped completely and started over again.
This time, I’ll try to make the story short, and get right to the point.
Over the last month or so, I’ve been meeting with a Life Coach. Carey Bailey, to be exact. We talk on the phone once a week and she asks me questions I thought I knew the answer to, but realize I didn’t. Initially, the plan was to focus on getting healthy – eating well and exercising. I need a lot of help and accountability in this area. But Carey is helping me see how my struggles are deeper than food, and there are some areas where I need to dig in and just look at them for a while.
On our call this week, these words tumbled out of my mouth, “I just feel like my life is upside down. Like it started right-side up and then somewhere down the road, it flipped.”
For the last few months, at the end of each day, I am exhausted, and irritable, and so divided that I can’t even keep my thoughts straight. I’m an impatient mom, a demanding wife, and feel hopelessly stuck.
A lot of this has nothing to do with blogging, but some of it does. I’m writing about things that I know are important, but I’m not doing well myself. I am passionate about encouraging moms to be present and enjoy their kids and yet I don’t feel the freedom to do that in my own life. I share the hope of Christ, but if I’m honest, many days I feel like it applies to you, but not to me.
It’s upside down. It’s supposed to be the other way, writing out of the overflow instead of writing in hopes that enough “likes” and “shares” might fill me.
To be honest, I kind of feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 30. Which either means that my lifespan is shorter than anticipated, or I’m just an overachiever.
I’m wrestling with what “calling” really means. I’m feeling like a failure in a lot of areas, and wondering if I’ve been going down a road that wasn’t intended for me. I’m sorting out my desire to be a Writer (yes, with a capital W) with the giant job of motherhood that is already in front of me. I’m trying to figure out what God wants from me, what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I’m in a season where I feel confused and defeated a lot of the time, and I just need some space to sort out life.
I need to heal. Physically, my body has been through the wringer in the last 6 months. Emotionally, it’s not too different. I need to rest. I need to refill. I desperately need Jesus to show up in a big way. Or in a little way that’s clear to me.
I know that the sun doesn’t rise or set here on this blog, but I wanted to be honest with you and tell you what’s going on with me before I unplug for a while. I don’t know if that’s going to look like complete silence, or if it’s going to come out in me writing through this journey. I do know it’s not going to look like me keeping up with social media, or creating pinnable images for each post.
That’s what I mean about the mid-life crisis thing. I don’t know a whole lot. I don’t know what God has for me. I feel fairly lost at the moment. All I know is that I need to be quiet and lean into Him. Practice that whole dependence thing that my year was supposed to be about.
I need to flip my life back over. Make it right-side-up again, with my feet firmly planted in the Word and my heart more still than frantic.
I hope you understand. I’m guessing maybe a few of you are even in the same boat – needing quiet to sort out the chaos that is your life right now. As I pray over the messes in my own life, I’ll be praying for you too.
Blessings to you, friends. I appreciate each of you. See you in a while.
If you’re feeling stuck, or lost, or confused about God’s direction for your life, I really do highly recommend life coaching with Carey Bailey. Carey partners with you to evaluate where you currently are in your day to day life and where you desire to be when it comes to any area of your life. Together, she helps you to identify your core values, name the obstacles getting in your way, and recognize that only truth will begin to satisfy the cravings you have to live an abundant life. She is Christ-centered, incredibly encouraging, but honest enough to call you on the things you need to be called on. I appreciate her SO VERY MUCH. I know you will too.
Today through June 1st, she’s offering all of my readers 20% off of any life coaching package with the code KAYSE. Take advantage of that! Her mission as a life coach is to help you satisfy your craving for an abundant life. Who doesn’t want that? You’ll love her, I promise.