Upside Down

I’ve got a few things to say, and they might not be pretty. But they will be honest, because this place is nothing if not honest.

I’ve been writing this post for two weeks. It’s been really long, and then edited down to be really short. And then scrapped completely and started over again.

This time, I’ll try to make the story short, and get right to the point.

Over the last month or so, I’ve been meeting with a Life Coach. Carey Bailey, to be exact. We talk on the phone once a week and she asks me questions I thought I knew the answer to, but realize I didn’t. Initially, the plan was to focus on getting healthy – eating well and exercising. I need a lot of help and accountability in this area. But Carey is helping me see how my struggles are deeper than food, and there are some areas where I need to dig in and just look at them for a while.

On our call this week, these words tumbled out of my mouth, “I just feel like my life is upside down. Like it started right-side up and then somewhere down the road, it flipped.”

For the last few months, at the end of each day, I am exhausted, and irritable, and so divided that I can’t even keep my thoughts straight. I’m an impatient mom, a demanding wife, and feel hopelessly stuck.

A lot of this has nothing to do with blogging, but some of it does. I’m writing about things that I know are important, but I’m not doing well myself. I am passionate about encouraging moms to be present and enjoy their kids and yet I don’t feel the freedom to do that in my own life. I share the hope of Christ, but if I’m honest, many days I feel like it applies to you, but not to me.

It’s upside down. It’s supposed to be the other way, writing out of the overflow instead of writing in hopes that enough “likes” and “shares” might fill me.

To be honest, I kind of feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 30. Which either means that my lifespan is shorter than anticipated, or I’m just an overachiever.

I’m wrestling with what “calling” really means. I’m feeling like a failure in a lot of areas, and wondering if I’ve been going down a road that wasn’t intended for me. I’m sorting out my desire to be a Writer (yes, with a capital W) with the giant job of motherhood that is already in front of me. I’m trying to figure out what God wants from me, what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I’m in a season where I feel confused and defeated a lot of the time, and I just need some space to sort out life.

I need to heal. Physically, my body has been through the wringer in the last 6 months. Emotionally, it’s not too different. I need to rest. I need to refill. I desperately need Jesus to show up in a big way. Or in a little way that’s clear to me.

I know that the sun doesn’t rise or set here on this blog, but I wanted to be honest with you and tell you what’s going on with me before I unplug for a while. I don’t know if that’s going to look like complete silence, or if it’s going to come out in me writing through this journey. I do know it’s not going to look like me keeping up with social media, or creating pinnable images for each post.

That’s what I mean about the mid-life crisis thing. I don’t know a whole lot. I don’t know what God has for me. I feel fairly lost at the moment. All I know is that I need to be quiet and lean into Him. Practice that whole dependence thing that my year was supposed to be about.

I need to flip my life back over. Make it right-side-up again, with my feet firmly planted in the Word and my heart more still than frantic.

I hope you understand. I’m guessing maybe a few of you are even in the same boat – needing quiet to sort out the chaos that is your life right now. As I pray over the messes in my own life, I’ll be praying for you too.

Blessings to you, friends. I appreciate each of you. See you in a while.

 

If you’re feeling stuck, or lost, or confused about God’s direction for your life, I really do highly recommend life coaching with Carey Bailey. Carey partners with you to evaluate where you currently are in your day to day life and where you desire to be when it comes to any area of your life. Together, she helps you to identify your core values, name the obstacles getting in your way, and recognize that only truth will begin to satisfy the cravings you have to live an abundant life. She is Christ-centered, incredibly encouraging, but honest enough to call you on the things you need to be called on. I appreciate her SO VERY MUCH. I know you will too.

Today through June 1st, she’s offering all of my readers 20% off of any life coaching package with the code KAYSE. Take advantage of that! Her mission as a life coach is to help you satisfy your craving for an abundant life. Who doesn’t want that? You’ll love her, I promise. :)

Comments

  1. says

    Kayse,
    Thank you for being honest about where you are right now. It gives the rest of us the freedom to evaluate our own lives and determine if we may be struggling in some of the same ways. Today has been an “off” day for me and reading your post was like a breath of fresh air, a reminder that we all struggle. I hate that you are feeling “upside down” but isn’t there something to be said for fellowship and being able to share in one another’s burdens? Thank you for writing amidst the confusion and allowing us as your readers to share in that and encourage you as you determine what your next steps are.
    Blessings,
    LeeAnn
    LeeAnn G Taylor {The Mosaic Life} recently posted..My Kids Ate Cake For Dinner & Why It’s Really OkayMy Profile

  2. says

    {{Hugs}}, brave mama. If I’m honest, I’m right there with you in that upside-down world. I just told my husband that I just can’t seem to get ahead. I’m trying, but at what cost? It’s 1:15 on Tuesday morning here and I’m working on a sponsored post (and dappling elsewhere). But I’m not getting the rest that a mama with littles needs. Praying for you, sweet friend!
    Whitney recently posted..DIY Chore Chart and Babies & BeyondMy Profile

    • says

      Always trying to catch up – I hear THAT. You’ve got so many babes, my friend. Do what you can, and then SLEEP!! I know we are both at that baby stage where sleep is like this elusive gift. I get it. Praying you find rest – whether that’s in a break, or in renewed strength. There’s nothing wrong with either, friend!

  3. says

    If I am being completely honest with you- good for you!!! You do need to take a step back. I think everything you do on your blog is admirable, but I blog for fun and barely have time for that! I have a two year old and one on the way (less than 2 weeks to go) and I’m gonna tell you- half the stuff you write about comes off as unauthentic because I don’t know how you could be on the computer as much as I know you need to be to keep up this kind of blog and be present with a toddler. I’m not saying you ARE inauthentic, I’m just saying I see how often you post, how often you are involved in some kind of giveaway, promotion, etc, how often your posts have fancy images, and I just think- how could she have time for this with a toddler and preach about belong present?!

    I hope I’m not coming off as harsh, I just do enjoy your blog and would hate for it to be for everyone else and not for you like you said.

    Blessings to you and your family. May you find the strength to come away from the blogging world a little bit.
    Megan Wilson recently posted..Baby Bump 1 vs Baby Bump 2My Profile

    • says

      Maybe a little harsh, but honest, and I’m okay with that. :) I do hope I don’t come across as preachy, I’d never want people to think that I’m the one who has it all together, or is telling you what to do. What I write here is just as much for myself as anyone else – a reminder of what’s really important. Things I needed to be reminded of often. It’s definitely easy to get swept away in the blogging world.

      Blessings to you as you bring a new little one into the world!! Life with two is crazy, but ridiculously adorable. :)

  4. says

    Kayse! Thanks for sharing your experience and for being super brave. It takes a lot to lay down something that feels valuable to you and I know God will honor that as you do the hard work you are doing. You are amazing and I am glad to be experiencing you in this way.
    With Joy, Carey

  5. says

    I’ve been sitting here this morning on the verge of tears because I just feel like a failure in this blogging/writing world. Your words are all the words that could have tumbled out of my mouth this morning.
    This really hit me…”t’s upside down. It’s supposed to be the other way, writing out of the overflow instead of writing in hopes that enough “likes” and “shares” might fill me.”
    Praying for you friend! You are not alone!
    Thank you for these words today!
    Jennifer recently posted..Grace for the Motherhood Checklist {The Messy & Majestic of Motherhood}My Profile

  6. says

    Thanks for being so honest and transparent, Kayse! I have so been there! It DOES get better! People ask me all the time how I “do it all,” but the truth is I don’t. No one can! It was when I finally got some good help (i.e. babysitters and an amazing IRL life coach who has been mentoring me for over a year now) that things started turning around. I cannot believe how less frantic life seems now than it did just a year ago even though I still have so many “irons in the fire.” Be encouraged. It won’t always be this way!! <3
    Erin@The Humbled Homemaker recently posted..DIY Natural SunscreenMy Profile

  7. Karen says

    Hi Kayse, I just found your blog last week as I searched for a daily to-do list. Love yours, by the way! Your post touched me very deeply. My “little” will be 9 this summer, so I get to sleep all night now. However, I have three teens, so the challenges have just changed. I’m glad you’re giving yourself a break. Being 30 is hard! I’m 43 now, and truth be told, my forties have been fabulous compared to my thirties. Other than the children growing and needing less constant care (now it’s constant rides!), two things have made me much healthier in my relationships and faith journey. First, daily devotionals. It may be hard depending upon your children’s sleeping patterns, but I try to be awake 30-60 minutes before the children. I have my coffee and read my morning prayers. Starting the day with the Lord makes everything better. I still get frustrated, but I yell a lot less than I did 10 years ago :-) Secondly, I have a group of friends who are a wonderful support system. We have a weekly Moms Bible Study (moms pray, kids play). As most of us homeschool (not all), our weekly gathering gives us a chance for fellowship and prayer. Sometimes we spend more time on the fellowship, but on those days, it’s often what we need to grow in our vocations as mothers. If you don’t have a good support system of other moms, I encourage you to find a group in your church or area. I am praying for you!

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